MY DEAR NANNY

Visited my nanny at the nursing home 2 weeks prior to my Beijing trip. Spent about 2hours with her. Since the passing of my nanny's husband, each time I visit her, I always end up crying.

It pains me to see her lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or at the empty space in front of her. During the last trip, I played with her, joked with her. I held her palms, moved it up and down, and made her repeat. Though it took awhile, she actually moved my palm by herself. Throughout the 2 hours, she ocassionally glanced at the doorway. She gives me the feeling, she's waiting for her husband to visit. This is when I tear.

When I was feeding her, she held my hand so tightly on her lap and refused to let go. I know she is finally starting to recognise me cos she kept staring at me. Just before I left, she held out her right hand towards my face, and touched my face. It was such a brief yet emotional moment.

I left the room cos I was very emotional. From happiness or saddness I don't know. When I returned, I told my nanny, she's a naughty girl cos she makes me cry each time I visit her.

I cry each time cos I still cannot let go of her husband's death. Though it's more than 1 month, I am still filled with remorse cos the day he died, I was actually at the clinic opposite his house. I went to check out his favourite hang out palace but he wasn't there. It never hit me to just cross the road and check if he's home.. then he left us on that Sat night. I am really filled with guilt cos I procrascinated and I never got a chance to see him or talk to him. It's going to take awhile to let go.... and I know I'll let go, but I find it so painful to let go at this moment cos I never had the chance to say good bye.

Because of his sudden passing, I vow that no matter how busy I am, I'll make time to visit my nanny. I'll not repeat the same mistake. God! I hate myself so much for not visiting him that day.